| Dec. 27th, 2009 @ 09:05 pm I miss you. |
|---|
Current Mood:  mleh
The Troop is the best show ever, well 6th to Fresh Prince, The Cosby Show, Spongebob, Scrubs and That 70's Show...yeah. I do watch too much tv in case you were wondering. Which you probably weren't, but anyhoo! I have no idea what I'm talking about. I haven't slept in 2 days. I've been missing Michael a lot more lately...well, I never stop missing him, but I'm just feeling like the world is more empty without him here...I mean, I've been feeling that ever since the day he died, but I've been feeling that even moreso lately, I mean, he's irreplaceable ya know? It's weird to miss someone I've never met and don't know personally so much, but I mean, I have been listening to his music since the womb. I mean, he truly is a much part of my life as my family because I mean, I have been listening to his music for so long. I just miss him...the fact that I put 3 posters of him in my room doesn't help really, but I mean, I'm still in the obsessively listening to his music and talking about him stage...I mean, I can tell I annoy people, but it's like, I feel like if I stop talking about him, listening to his music and thinking about him, then somehow I'll start forgetting him...even though that's impossible....I haven't gone a day in my life without thinking about him once...crazy, but favorite musician since womb...the thoughts of him are pretty much involuntarily...you see how he's a big part of my life. I feel silly. I feel like it's a school girl crush, except my crush died. And all I have are the memories of "Oh, I've admired you from afar, but from afar too long" I'm now I'm left with what ifs. That's a terrible feeling actually and regardless of how silly and irrational it is to miss someone I've never met, I do. And unless by some miracle some Thriller shizz happens and he comes out of the ground then I'm stuck missing him. I know I don't come close to feeling what his friends and family feel, but I still hurt man. It sucks. So I've been a little down in the dumps lately. :/ I think because the thought "What if I had ever gotten to meet him?" reared into my mind and I know that I'm stuck with wondering and daydreams of what can never be....unless there is a heaven. I'm not so sure it's scaring me because I've been having this crazy fear of mortality lately...then I remembered that my mom had sent my dad a message on myspace...yeah, he has a myspace now, my dad's absentee. Haven't talked to him since I was 10 and even then, it was only because I answered the phone...I wasn't the one he wanted to talk to....he never responded to that message....I mean, my mom hasn't mentioned it....he's just proving over and over again that he doesn't love me and well...that feeling sucks. Lots of terrible emotions going on. How can you look the bright side of "Oh, my biggest idol died and I'll never get to meet him because I'm not sure if there's an afterlife anymore." or "Now I doubt everthing I've ever believed in." ooor "My dad doesn't love me and continues to reject me on the regular!" There's no posistive side there. It sucks.
Holy fuck man. Didn't expect this rant to come out. I just realized I always seem to have a bad case of having the need to justify my feelings to people. It's kinda a lame.
Mleh. I'm burning to death. Frack humidity. It's winter, but it's fucking raining! In Maine! The fuck? Fuck global warming and tomorrow apparently we're supposed to get 5-6 inches of snow! The fuck is that?! Oh right....global warming. Fuck you global warming!
Well, I'm done completely forgetting not to be such a Negative Nancy. Sometimes the positive side just isn't there.
PEACE. |